PAST Present Future

Part 2: Discovering Meaning and Connection

Not Waiting

This is where the dragons went.

They lie…

Not dead, not asleep.  Not waiting, because waiting implies expectation.

—Terry Pratchett, “Guards! Guards!”

This is the second part, of a multi-part post, looking at consciousness through Buddhist themes and my observations of the writing of Russian author Leo Tolstoy.

lovely dragon scales

In Part One we examined the different facets of ‘sleep’.

• I highlighted Yoga Nidra, which is a meditative form of sleep, and Dr Vicki Connop shared her experience with iRest; a contemporary form of Yoga Nidra.

• We talked about the Buddhists view of (our) life as being just another kind of sleep.

• I offered up my own experience of feeling the need to be in a deep sleep; a hibernation from the world.

• The piece concludes with my attempt to wake up out of my sleep by coming into the moment. Feeling feet on the ground. Drinking in the smell of a damp late winter morning. Feeling into the budding of spring flowers, not waiting, but fully embracing the present moment...realising that nature is always nurturing its potential...me and the flowers both.

  

  Diamonds are often used in Buddhist chants to symbolise piercing through to the truth of things

Can we try this ‘not waiting’ as an exercise together?

You know that feeling of frustration when you’re in the checkout queue and it’s not moving as fast as you’d like…or the agitation and ants-in-your pants feeling if you’re stuck in traffic?

What if you said to yourself, “I’m not waiting.”

It’s an easy thing to say, yet a profound thing to feel;

• Feel your feet on the ground

• Soften your belly

• Drop into your body

• I AM (try ‘I’ on the inhale and ‘AM’ on the exhale)

What do you see when you’re no longer waiting?

The grain in a floorboard that looks like a frog’s mouth, the light and shadows coming in through the window…the expressions on the faces around you…perhaps a whole life written in the fold of fabric in a little old lady’s green silk scarf. A scuff on the floor made by a shoe that was long past being able to provide enough support to its owner. A window that would have to be cleaned before a lady in a blue apron would get to go home and see her family.

There’s a character in a book that i’m reading and he’s just realised that he’s not waiting.

Law & Order (Crave Disorder)

The book is War & Peace. I’m part of a year-long read-along hosted by the super talented, and very lovely, Simon Haisell. It’s pretty much a chapter per day for a whole year.

As I write, we’re on Day 38…

The sights and smells of high-society parties are behind us, we’ve left the great cities of Russia, and we’ve marched our way into the war part, of War & Peace.

My favourite character is a dude named Tushin, but we’ll come to him later. He’s fascinating for a bunch of reasons, but not least because he reminds me of a Buddha.

Before Tushin, I found myself captivated by an army officer by the name of Andrei Bolkonsky.

Prince Andrei’s tale (so far at least) is a tale of two parts. I mean I guess this is the whole essence of the book…one part peace and one part war. Worlds apart yet intimately related.

Andrei Part I: Peace

At home, mixing in high society with his wife…“the most seductive woman in Petersburg”…he is “quiet” and “weary”.

That’s it really.

A handsome young man thoroughly bored with life.

Andrei Part II: War

Prince Andrei no longer waits…

Andrei has been cut down in battle. He lies in an unknown field looking up at the sky.

Above him there was now nothing but the sky—the lofty sky, not clear yet still immeasurably lofty, with grey clouds gliding slowly across it. ‘How quiet, peaceful and solemn, not at all as I ran’ thought Prince Andrei

The scene captures Andrei letting go of his whole life and all that he thought was important is replaced by something unfathomable but welcoming.

It strikes me that Leo Tolstoy is asking us ‘What are you holding? This life of yours…when you open your grip, what’s in your hands?’.

This is maybe something else we could try together…look up into the sky and find out how different the clouds become when you let yourself disappear. Your name, your job, your role at home. Let go of friends and family. Simply allow the silence into your space. Don’t search for anything. Just allow what is already here (Here, There & Everywhere).

Andrei is left wondering how is it that he has not seen the sky before this moment and rejoices in how happy he was to have now found it at last?

Finally we let even the sky go and all that remains is stillness and infinite peace.

My teacher is keen on this sequence…

1. Silence

2. Stillness

3. Space

4. Freedom

5. Peace

6. Spirit

7. Presence

8. God (whatever God is)

Tolstoy has masterfully brought us from fast asleep to wide awake.

Spring at 55° Latitude North

March 9, 2024. Push Pull.

Watching myself, I notice I'm getting into more active tasks than I'm prepared for at this stage of the year.

I must fight this urge to be productive. The Spring pull, pulleth, whilst the Winter lull, lulleth.

Yesterday, I began organising my yoga closet, but before too long ended up sitting down with a cup of tea and a book.

From the dark corners of the closet I unearthed a journal from 2008. My scribbled notes from the frontlines of Helmand Province, Afghanistan. Tentatively I took hold of the book. Not sure what was awaiting me between the covers.

From productive cleaning, to contemplative reading. From peaceful Northumberland to war-torn Afghanistan.

Winter’s long shadow had clawed me back in.