Unveiling the Weight Behind "Just a Mum" When was the last time you heard, or used the phrase, ‘just a mum’? In the UK this phrase carries a weight of familiarity, ‘mum’ following ‘just’…like 'milk' follows 'coffee'. It reveals an unnoticed, hiding in plain sight relationship. One which is ingrained in our culture.
Thank you for this. As usual, you have a way of articulating your thoughts which gives new context to them. I'd never consciously thought about motherhood in this way.
Thanks Chris! Consciously thinking about anything can only be a good thing! Motherhood is not part of society's program so we kind of have to go out of the way to even notice mothers and acts of mothering. I'm not even sure people would stand to offer their seat on public transport if a mother got on with her baby these days.
I hated ‘just a mum’, I would usually respond with a looooooong, long list of all the duties a ‘just a mum’ performed, nurse, nanny, teacher, housemaid etc. I now if I will ever be at a point where I can reframe the phrase for good. If I hear mums say it I want to tell them to stop putting themselves down. They are everything they used to be and now more. Motherhood is wonderful and awful all at the same time. The resilience required to be even passingly okay at it is immense. To be ‘a mum’ is good, to be ‘just a mum’ is self denigration. IMHHO.
That's what I wanted to do with the lady with the injured shoulder...I almost wanted to shake her and tell her how immeasurable that role is! I don't know that we're ever very good at truths that meet us head on. I certainly prefer my truths delivered obliquely, as much as I say otherwise. I had the sense that to this lady, 'just a mum', was also a shield from the world and I certainly wasn't going to take that away from her. Hence why I wrote this really.
I love what you've said about the immense reliance needed just to be "passingly okay" with Motherhood.
So true! It has taken me a long time to realize the value that I have as a MOM. What a gift I had to spend the past 25 years raising my children. I sometimes felt that I wasn't valued for that work by others. I didn't have a certificate or title like Dr or Phd like my sisters had. I now see the amazing gift I gave to my kids and myself and I am pround to have the title of Mom.
It’s interesting to me that people grow a couple of inches when they tell you their professional titles and yet shrink when they tell you they’re a mum. It’s ass backwards but then most things in society are.
What a gift you’ve given your children. And what a beautiful gift you’ve given yourself to be able to fully see yourself.
I think this is actually more powerful coming from a man! That may seem odd to say outloud but I spent my life watching my dad have the power in their marriage because he made the money. The strings that come attached to this dynamic are toxic to a marriage or partnership. I am embarrassed to admit that I fell under the same spell early on in my marriage. It took other strong women to point out my value and worth despite not earning a paycheck to contribute. I think that is why I am commited to becoming financially independent at 51!. It isn't about the money as much as tapping into something different for me. Thanks for supporting us!
‘Harry’ this is a healing space for people to find support compassion and understanding. The rules are simple. 1. Don’t comment on another’s healing story unless expressly invited.
I have a sense that it’s more powerful coming from a man. Only because the wound was inflicted by man so it can in some sense only be remedied if men move back into right-relationship with women. Money adds another layer of complexity & corrupts in many ways.
Most of what we adopt about being a father and mother is of course unconsciously embedded from our parents at a very young age. I think you’ve done amazing to unpick that conditioning. 🔥👏🏼
Warming to hear you had strong women at your back. 💪🏽✨💖
I JUST wrote a post about this. I find we are always more than just anything, especially mothers. I think it is so important to shift the words we use to describe what we do and how we feel about it. I think we are encouraged for our identity to become wrapped up in caring for our children, and no matter what else we do in life, I think that happens on its own. AND sometimes, I know I do, have so much more to who I am then being a mother! Although, it is probably the most important thing I am doing in my life.
You know it’s heartbreaking to think you’ve done so much in service to another human being and instead of unbridled celebration, what you see reflected back is contorted faces (disgust?). What a lonely place to find yourself. I hope you find sanctuary and can take the rest you deserve. 🥲💔
I assume it’s disgust but what do I know? Thank you for your perspective because I find no matter which way you slice it, giving so much to someone else is such an act of service. It helps me ignore the weird looks!
The relationship between mum and child is unbalanced (one is only concerned with giving and one is only concerned with taking) and that’s how it’s meant to be…but rather than step in to plug that imbalance…society seems to step back. It’s weird. And cruel actually. 😔
Thank you! It brought tears to my eyes remembering the amount of times I said this, but in the US it was "just a mom". I felt that I had to qualify and defend my post as full time mom. It was even more challenging when I homeschooled my kids. Now that I am moving out of that phase, I am pround of my job as mom. I gave it my all and raised two beautiful, challenging, independent young men. My mother stayed home as well, and I have recently spent more time praising her for her work and dedication. At 81, she deserves a bit of recognition!
Such a challenging role for body mind and soul and still having to defend yourself to society at large. We really have lost our way as a culture.
I love that you’re honouring your mother in turn. Sending love out in both directions. Generations before us and generations after us receiving the beautiful mothering stories you’ve nurtured so many years. x
One day I would love to hear a mum say, ‘I’m just a mum’ with a beaming smile and undertone of ‘I don’t fuck around with rat race shit I do humanity’s frontline shit.’
Oh my gosh. I just wrote a piece that circles this very thread, and here you captured it in ways that I've been searching for. This is so beautifully said. I'm so grateful for this reframe — these words in particular strike me:
Is ‘just a mum’ a wellspring that water’s your soul; allowing you to wander as far as your heart desires.
Or is ‘just a mum’ the axe that cuts you down to size. That chops you up and uses you for capitalism’s firewood?
I've been cutting myself down with 'just' and now feel the power and spaciousness that it holds. Thank you thank you! :)
This is so resonant. It's true!! I feel this deeply and am grateful to meet others who remind me to keep bringing awareness to this. It's all too easy to forget in the hustle and bustle.
Yes and I’m as guilty as anyone for forgetting the right order of things.
Irish philosopher, John O'Donohue, said we mistake glamour for beauty and I think he’s right.
There’s a superficial allure that intoxicates us (glamour) whilst genuine soulful beauty never screams out for attention.
All eyes are fixated on the red Ferrari’s pulling up outside a prestigious restaurant (glamour). Meanwhile a mother hides away in the restroom to breastfeed her child (beauty).
The eyes in our heads have scales on and we see nothing clearly. There are deeper truths when we look with eyes connected to our hearts. 💜
Oh my goodness, I was just listening to an old John O'Donohue interview. To Bless the Space Between Us is a book I return to often. I love the richness of his language and the inspiration he finds in nature — true beauty of our world that guides us home with authenticity, rather than false beauty (or glamour of a Ferrari). Yes yes yes! Thank you for this. So glad to have found you and to be connecting here!!
Synchronicities allow us to connect the dots and make meaning of our lives I think.
John oh my he’s so missed isn’t he! 😢 Such a beautiful and wise soul. There was a time where I’d listen to his interview with Krista Tippet every day. His words or his voice offer a refuge. 🙏
I’ll drop that link for anyone who has found their way here and hasn’t yet had the pleasure ☺️✨💫💖
Thank you for this. As usual, you have a way of articulating your thoughts which gives new context to them. I'd never consciously thought about motherhood in this way.
Thanks Chris! Consciously thinking about anything can only be a good thing! Motherhood is not part of society's program so we kind of have to go out of the way to even notice mothers and acts of mothering. I'm not even sure people would stand to offer their seat on public transport if a mother got on with her baby these days.
It does almost seem like an old school value; giving up your seat for someone
Perhaps if we give up our seats we may find ourselves. Our humanity at least.
I really like that! There's an entire ethos in those two sentences.
Very astute brother! The small acts matter. The universe has more laws than we imagine.
I hated ‘just a mum’, I would usually respond with a looooooong, long list of all the duties a ‘just a mum’ performed, nurse, nanny, teacher, housemaid etc. I now if I will ever be at a point where I can reframe the phrase for good. If I hear mums say it I want to tell them to stop putting themselves down. They are everything they used to be and now more. Motherhood is wonderful and awful all at the same time. The resilience required to be even passingly okay at it is immense. To be ‘a mum’ is good, to be ‘just a mum’ is self denigration. IMHHO.
That's what I wanted to do with the lady with the injured shoulder...I almost wanted to shake her and tell her how immeasurable that role is! I don't know that we're ever very good at truths that meet us head on. I certainly prefer my truths delivered obliquely, as much as I say otherwise. I had the sense that to this lady, 'just a mum', was also a shield from the world and I certainly wasn't going to take that away from her. Hence why I wrote this really.
I love what you've said about the immense reliance needed just to be "passingly okay" with Motherhood.
So true! It has taken me a long time to realize the value that I have as a MOM. What a gift I had to spend the past 25 years raising my children. I sometimes felt that I wasn't valued for that work by others. I didn't have a certificate or title like Dr or Phd like my sisters had. I now see the amazing gift I gave to my kids and myself and I am pround to have the title of Mom.
It’s interesting to me that people grow a couple of inches when they tell you their professional titles and yet shrink when they tell you they’re a mum. It’s ass backwards but then most things in society are.
What a gift you’ve given your children. And what a beautiful gift you’ve given yourself to be able to fully see yourself.
Blessings to you and mums everywhere 🙏
I think this is actually more powerful coming from a man! That may seem odd to say outloud but I spent my life watching my dad have the power in their marriage because he made the money. The strings that come attached to this dynamic are toxic to a marriage or partnership. I am embarrassed to admit that I fell under the same spell early on in my marriage. It took other strong women to point out my value and worth despite not earning a paycheck to contribute. I think that is why I am commited to becoming financially independent at 51!. It isn't about the money as much as tapping into something different for me. Thanks for supporting us!
‘Harry’ this is a healing space for people to find support compassion and understanding. The rules are simple. 1. Don’t comment on another’s healing story unless expressly invited.
Thx.
I have a sense that it’s more powerful coming from a man. Only because the wound was inflicted by man so it can in some sense only be remedied if men move back into right-relationship with women. Money adds another layer of complexity & corrupts in many ways.
Most of what we adopt about being a father and mother is of course unconsciously embedded from our parents at a very young age. I think you’ve done amazing to unpick that conditioning. 🔥👏🏼
Warming to hear you had strong women at your back. 💪🏽✨💖
I JUST wrote a post about this. I find we are always more than just anything, especially mothers. I think it is so important to shift the words we use to describe what we do and how we feel about it. I think we are encouraged for our identity to become wrapped up in caring for our children, and no matter what else we do in life, I think that happens on its own. AND sometimes, I know I do, have so much more to who I am then being a mother! Although, it is probably the most important thing I am doing in my life.
Oh amazing how synchronous! Pleases leave a link to the post if that suits you Emma.
Bring the conversation into the light. 🕯️💕
https://open.substack.com/pub/beinginmotherhood/p/a-call-to-action-for-mothers?r=1iyfpe&utm_medium=ios&utm_campaign=post
Here it is! 😊
Perfect! Just perfect. 🙏💖
Thank you! ❤️
You know it’s heartbreaking to think you’ve done so much in service to another human being and instead of unbridled celebration, what you see reflected back is contorted faces (disgust?). What a lonely place to find yourself. I hope you find sanctuary and can take the rest you deserve. 🥲💔
I assume it’s disgust but what do I know? Thank you for your perspective because I find no matter which way you slice it, giving so much to someone else is such an act of service. It helps me ignore the weird looks!
The relationship between mum and child is unbalanced (one is only concerned with giving and one is only concerned with taking) and that’s how it’s meant to be…but rather than step in to plug that imbalance…society seems to step back. It’s weird. And cruel actually. 😔
Exactly. It’s very weird and cruel!
Thank you for sharing. This is such an important topic and one that isn't discussed.
You’re welcome!
Thank you! It brought tears to my eyes remembering the amount of times I said this, but in the US it was "just a mom". I felt that I had to qualify and defend my post as full time mom. It was even more challenging when I homeschooled my kids. Now that I am moving out of that phase, I am pround of my job as mom. I gave it my all and raised two beautiful, challenging, independent young men. My mother stayed home as well, and I have recently spent more time praising her for her work and dedication. At 81, she deserves a bit of recognition!
Such a challenging role for body mind and soul and still having to defend yourself to society at large. We really have lost our way as a culture.
I love that you’re honouring your mother in turn. Sending love out in both directions. Generations before us and generations after us receiving the beautiful mothering stories you’ve nurtured so many years. x
One day I would love to hear a mum say, ‘I’m just a mum’ with a beaming smile and undertone of ‘I don’t fuck around with rat race shit I do humanity’s frontline shit.’
I think you do that wonderful. Keep being the beacon. 🕯️👌🏽
I'm in!!! This post has inspired me to bring a whole new energy to the way I say this 🙌🏼
Amen Mother! Thank you for your selfless service. 🙏🫡
Oh my gosh. I just wrote a piece that circles this very thread, and here you captured it in ways that I've been searching for. This is so beautifully said. I'm so grateful for this reframe — these words in particular strike me:
Is ‘just a mum’ a wellspring that water’s your soul; allowing you to wander as far as your heart desires.
Or is ‘just a mum’ the axe that cuts you down to size. That chops you up and uses you for capitalism’s firewood?
I've been cutting myself down with 'just' and now feel the power and spaciousness that it holds. Thank you thank you! :)
(My piece is here: https://miriamcruz.substack.com/p/mothering-from-the-void)
You write beautifully and unflinchingly Miriam.
Meditation is the gift that allows us to see Motherhood for what it is. In the same way it allows us to see a tree or a mountain.
The stories we place on top are not our own.
To paraphrase Krishnamurti, “You might think you’re thinking your own thoughts. You’re not. You’re thinking your culture’s thoughts.”
Our culture thinks a tree has value when it is timber. A cow has value when it’s beef. What then does it value in motherhood?
This is so resonant. It's true!! I feel this deeply and am grateful to meet others who remind me to keep bringing awareness to this. It's all too easy to forget in the hustle and bustle.
Yes and I’m as guilty as anyone for forgetting the right order of things.
Irish philosopher, John O'Donohue, said we mistake glamour for beauty and I think he’s right.
There’s a superficial allure that intoxicates us (glamour) whilst genuine soulful beauty never screams out for attention.
All eyes are fixated on the red Ferrari’s pulling up outside a prestigious restaurant (glamour). Meanwhile a mother hides away in the restroom to breastfeed her child (beauty).
The eyes in our heads have scales on and we see nothing clearly. There are deeper truths when we look with eyes connected to our hearts. 💜
Oh my goodness, I was just listening to an old John O'Donohue interview. To Bless the Space Between Us is a book I return to often. I love the richness of his language and the inspiration he finds in nature — true beauty of our world that guides us home with authenticity, rather than false beauty (or glamour of a Ferrari). Yes yes yes! Thank you for this. So glad to have found you and to be connecting here!!
I’m so glad you found your way here too!
Synchronicities allow us to connect the dots and make meaning of our lives I think.
John oh my he’s so missed isn’t he! 😢 Such a beautiful and wise soul. There was a time where I’d listen to his interview with Krista Tippet every day. His words or his voice offer a refuge. 🙏
I’ll drop that link for anyone who has found their way here and hasn’t yet had the pleasure ☺️✨💫💖
https://onbeing.org/programs/john-odonohue-the-inner-landscape-of-beauty/