Just a mum...
Unveiling the Weight Behind "Just a Mum"
When was the last time you heard, or used the phrase, ‘just a mum’?
In the UK this phrase carries a weight of familiarity, ‘mum’ following ‘just’…like 'milk' follows 'coffee'.
It reveals an unnoticed, hiding in plain sight relationship. One which is ingrained in our culture.
Shouldering the Burden
Recently, I bumped into this phrase, and it jolted me. As a bodyworker, inquiring about an injury, I asked a client if she worked in an office. Her response, “No, I’m just a mum”.
Just…A…Mum…
I noticed my body pausing, as if at a road crossing. An extra alertness.
As Above, So Below: The Power of Words
Words are potent. They shape how we navigate the world.
Mental drivers reach beyond our thinking. They run through our bodies and tickle the levers we call tension, posture, injuries & illness.
A big part of this newsletter is offering people better words and better stories with which to shelter themselves. How do we reclaim ‘just a mum’?
The Corrupted Beauty of "Just"
Beauty rarely survives contact with the poisonous filter we hold over the world.
The word ‘just’ becomes corrupted.
Just is shorthand for not enough.
Just is used to downplay or minimise the significance of your life.
Just is not enough.
Just is less than.
No wonder the reflex is to fight back. To claw your way out from underneath all those Justs, just to take a breath.
No wonder you’re scrambling around looking for more.
Finding Home in Identity
You may wish to hang your hat on being a firefighter, a lawyer, a writer, maybe even a ‘six-figure’ business owner, as men have done for hundreds of years now.
As a former Royal Marines Commando, I know the hollowness of defining myself externally. I know the dangers of one day finding yourself without an identity.
There isn’t a container in the world that’s big enough or complex enough for you my dear.
Reframing “Just a Mum”
Despite its often dismissive connotation, there's inherent beauty in being "just a mum." Similar to someone describing themselves as "just a servant of God," it evokes reverence for single-minded dedication amidst life's chaos.
In all the confusion, noise and clutter of modern life here is a person dedicated to ‘just’ one thing. Finally a person living a wholehearted life.
Just a mum is a person no longer chasing fragments of themselves with a dustpan and brush around the far corners of social media.
Just a mum living at the depths of herself.
At this point I want to share a beautiful mother friend and space holder for mums based down the road from us. Zoe is doing wonderful work;
Toxic Load: Challenging Societal Perceptions
I’m not telling anyone, least of all mothers, how to live their lives…by all means, chase your dreams…kick over whatever tables you’re told to go sit at…I’m simply pointing out the obvious; we don’t hold the phrase ‘just a mum’ with any kind of reverence in society.
“I’m not a professional because I spent twenty-five years being just a mum.” One mum reflecting on her ‘wasted’ years.
Ultimately, what matters most, is how you relate to the phrase.
Is ‘just a mum’ a wellspring that water’s your soul; allowing you to wander as far as your heart desires.
Or is ‘just a mum’ the axe that cuts you down to size. That chops you up and uses you for capitalism’s firewood?
In Conclusion and in Tribute to Motherhood
I’ll end where I should’ve probably begun.
Holding my own mum’s precious head as she took her last remaining breaths. She was there for my birth as I was there for hers. Privileged to be both her son and her doula for the afterlife.
My mum was a strong woman. She was ‘just a mum’, just a bad ass, just a whole hearted no-nonsense, shed shifting, child bearing authentic, full-to-the-brim-with-Love, kind of human being.
Today, although a very different person, I see the same traits in Claire my wife, and mother to our two wonderful children. Quietly riding motherhood and all that it’s thrown at her.
All that it opens her up to.
All the questions it asks of her.
Even the times, like a challenging childbirth, where motherhood had the audacity to try to write ‘her’ out of the equation.
Look out for the periods where motherhood tries to consume your ‘less than’ identity. The identity that is ultimately too small for you but too familiar to let go of. Whilst it may feel like drowning, it’s more likely a baptism by the creative fires of the Universe.
No Thing and Every Thing: Embracing our last Mother
As we grapple with our identities, Mother Earth observes.
In the grand orchestra of Life, we're merely notes in a Great symphony.
As always my Dears, lift your hearts to the sky and keep your feet on the ground
Much Love
David
**Would love your thoughts in the comments or in reply
I hated ‘just a mum’, I would usually respond with a looooooong, long list of all the duties a ‘just a mum’ performed, nurse, nanny, teacher, housemaid etc. I now if I will ever be at a point where I can reframe the phrase for good. If I hear mums say it I want to tell them to stop putting themselves down. They are everything they used to be and now more. Motherhood is wonderful and awful all at the same time. The resilience required to be even passingly okay at it is immense. To be ‘a mum’ is good, to be ‘just a mum’ is self denigration. IMHHO.
One day I would love to hear a mum say, ‘I’m just a mum’ with a beaming smile and undertone of ‘I don’t fuck around with rat race shit I do humanity’s frontline shit.’