Conversations with my son

Our beautiful trauma-informed reality

My son gets in the car and we go through the standard parenting school pick-up pantomime;

"How was school?"

"Good"

…

"What did you do?"

"Can't remember"

At this point, I have the option of switching the car radio on and letting him off the hook for the rest of the journey or continuing my folly.

A kid (not my son) doing non-school things and loving it. His T-shirt talks of a world full of hope which I’m here for <3

Today I was feeling lucky so I pressed on.

“What subjects did you do?”

“Writing”

…

“Writing?”, I echoed back

"Yeah we had to write about memories like… the last time you felt 'warm' inside"

I thought about the word ‘warm’ for a moment. It’s a lovely word isn’t it Even the word itself brings a reassurance that everything’s going to be ok.

"And then we had to write about feeling sad."

“Oh oh” I immediately thought

Reading between the lines, this is where the wheels spectacularly fell off! It was probably also around the same time the teacher wondered whether it was too late to retrain for something less demanding…like becoming a firefighter.

One kid immediately burst into tears. That set off another child, and then another. By the end of the day, we were mourning one dead grandma, an uncle and two hamsters. The class of eight-year-olds, on one wet Wednesday morning, had confronted grief, parental divorce and the notion of handing a sick dog over to the vets for the last time.

“Don’t worry…we won’t be doing that again!” - Teacher respondiong to worried parent through tight lips and strained eyes.

I’m not here to criticise the teacher or the school. I mean a part of me would definitely like to. Finding a position, or a group of people, to be justifiably angry towards…to release years of pent-up fear… is the sport of Twitter is it not?

After some thought, I realise I’m nowhere near smart enough to pull off justified rage without coming across unhinged, so I’d better stick with plain old compassion and kindness. Through an act of charity, we can assume the teacher and the teaching objectives were well-intentioned.

Trauma-Informed

If a class full of 8yr olds in rural Northumberland have so much first-hand suffering to draw upon what then of city schools and the world at large?

Statistically, in any room full of people, at least one or two (4-12% depending on the survey) will have some form of recognised post-traumatic diagnosis.

I would argue, and I’m not the only one, that everyone in the room is traumatised to varying degrees. We, as a society, just don’t label it as such. Our ‘leaders’ certainly demonstrate the narcissistic traits of heavily traumatised individuals.

Friday 30 September 2022; My father who’s made the decision to die at home said to me today, “I didn’t ever think it would be like this!” He’s always been so sure of himself and so sure of how the world works that death feels like a rude intrusion rather than a natural part of the process.

Pick up any history book, or history podcast if that feels like graft, and it won’t be long before one concludes that humankind is just a big bag of trauma.

The Original Split

It feels to me there’s a Spiritual trauma that comes about from the realisation that you’re ultimately alone in the Universe. *Gulps in isolation*

One day, we wake up and notice that there is a Great Divide between us and the Universe. An intractable void.

For many of us, it’s not a waking up but more of a sudden bolt of lightning; after which, everything has changed.

This typically happens somewhere in the first years of our life. Maybe you catch your reflection in a window or maybe you’re playing with your dolls but there is a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it moment of, “Oh here I am!”.

“I exist…when did that happen!”

One moment you were playing with your doll…the next, you were aware that there was a you who was playing with a doll. A you that wasn’t there before. It’s less of a birthing and more of a falling; a falling out of the universe.

That’s perhaps the original wound. The mother & father of all our worldly traumas.

Our human trauma happens when our needs are unmet. When we have to get through life with people who care for us (and love us) but who can’t, for whatever reason (their own trauma) meet our needs.

When this occurs we end up having to disassociate from our own needs ourselves and so we become disconnected from our bodies, our needs and desires.

For reasons I don’t fully comprehend part of my work is facilitating the beginning of this reconnection.

It’s a sacred thing to join someone as they delve into their own inner tapestry.

Guided Meditation

When I guide someone into any kind of meditation I’ll give them anchors that aren’t inside the body. This fabric would be a perfect anchor.

There’s a way to connect even through our screens. Look through the screen rather than at the screen. Maybe you can enjoy the textures here. Rest in the fact we’re all connected.

I typically ask someone who is journeying into their soul-self to notice the support from the cushions they’re lying, or sitting, on. If the inner world feels a bit too chaotic at any stage then we can return to the support of the cushions.

Maybe this is where people trip themselves up with meditation. Just because it isn’t calm and tranquil doesn't mean you’re doing it wrong.

Trauma

Trauma is such a big word— Maybe we need a new one.

Trauma isn’t about dramatic events. You can be involved in a dramatic event and not be traumatised by it. Trauma is fundamentally about unmet needs. It’s about disassociating from yourself in order to survive living with people who can’t meet your needs.

Call it capitalism or just call it 2022, we all live in a society that doesn’t give a flying fuck about your personal needs; vis-à-vis we are all traumatised peoples.

Obviously, there are individuals within society, some of whom you won’t even have met, who care deeply about you and about your suffering. But society, as a living entity in itself - zero fucks given!

I’d invite you to pause and reflect on the fact that there are people in the world who you have no knowledge of, praying for you right now :)

Power, Status & Glamour

I don’t have any new thing to say, I’m just lending my finger to the many wise souls who have historically pointed out the obvious notion that society’s needs are at odds with our deepest needs.

Society, in short, cares about power, status, and glamour.

Dubai’s Golden (60Million Dollar) Frame. Listed on Trip Advisor as ‘Traveller’s Choice Best of the Best Best 2022’. This should tell you all you need to know about life on 21Century planet earth. I can’t help thinking it looks like a giant goalpost but brings far less joy.

Take a look around the social media landscape…notice how people trip over themselves chasing aspirational living.

Those same people will step back and let you fall through the gaps of their apathy— right when you need catching the most- if you don’t align yourself with the symbols of success.

Jumper’s for Goalposts; a destination you won’t find on any Trip Advisor or tourist awards ceremony. To connect to this ubiquitous childhood landmark you have to travel deep inside yourself. Unlike the $200M Golden Frame which comes at you and assaults the senses.

I could go on and go off for days about all of this stuff. It’s equal parts saddening and maddening. Instead, I’ll leave an energetic space for you to have your say. What are your unguarded, thoughts? What do you need that society can’t meet to support your healing?